I miss you. I wish we were not now distanced indefinitely. However, I trust that the Lord is with you and you are his child, he will not let you be too far from himself, for he is a relational Father. I take comfort in knowing that his presence is where I may never be again.
But it is not easy for me to be distant from you, nor was it easy for me to distant from you while we were together. I say this with a full heart. On occasion there would be moments when we were together where you would gaze into space, thought racing, and emanate a particular desire that I knew I could not fully possess. In these moments a feeling would overcome me, one of sorrow, wish, and subtle despair.
To sorrow I would feel your desire. Your being was straining forward with an intensity I did not own, as it shone through your eyes. It was one of youth, freedom, and dare. At first sight this essence may seem to be a wonderful thing, and if this was all I would rejoice. It was not so. Underneath this spirit was something I could not touch. There was an invisible streak that I could not name, for it had none. Perhaps it was rebellion or some kind of new adventurousness. Whatever it was, my conscience and spirit controlled soul sensed it, and cried, knowing that I could not walk the path your spirit yearned for. And you know that when the Lord saved me he transformed my dirty and deceitful soul to have sensitive guard rails that force me into the submission of being genuine. For I do not naturally want to walk in gentleness and sense, but it is the spirit that has given me inclination. It was a very great sadness to experience these differences in desire.
We were distant.
To wish I could exist within the realm of your being. To put it another way, I wanted to be on the same page as you. I did not want to be a burden, nor did I want to hold you back. In fact I love being adventuresome, youthful, exciting, and daring, but it ought be within the correct context. And it could only be done if I knew with a pure conscience that you were pursuing it from a good heart. One that is firm in faith. But I could not confirm this, nor could I deny this. I was in limbo. The sense that made me aware of a weakness or impurity in your motive gave me pause and made me stumble. I could not fully commit to your intent, nor could I completely forgo being with you under this context. This lead me to a great deal of wishfulness. Wishing the sense that radiated from you was a fluke, a figment of my imagination. Wishing the good motives to be the only ones.
Wishing my conscience to be faulty. Wishing the issue to be with myself. Wishing myself to be different.
We were distant.
To despair did I act. I did not sit on this confusion long, despite my quivering between uncertainties, I chose to act carefully. I chose to enter into attitudes and activities that you wanted. Doing so edged me closer to a great fire. I recognized this - it was unmistakable. My sensitive soul was correct. There was something you were pursuing that I myself could not grasp. The Lord had made it strikingly and painfully clear in my conscience how far I could go. Despair. I wanted so badly to be fully with you in motive, heart, conscience, and desire, yet you were pursuing a path I could not travel, nor would let you travel. Near the end I was pulling you back from running down the path with everything I had to give.
To keep you back. And then you let go.
We are distant.
There is a gap between us. And I do not want to let it grow. But who am I to change that? Whatever the Lord wills he will do. He is a God of unity and hope. I will not seek to go against your desire anymore, dear Distant one. I will trust the King of the Universe, the Lord of Love, the Maker of Men, the Enlarger of Hearts, and the Knitter of Souls. He is with me. He is with you.
Be not far from him Oh Christian. Be not distant. Draw near.
“Draw near to God, and he will Draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded.” - James 4:8